A Really Weird And Pointless L.O.T.R. Story
by mental-dragon
Summary: Basically, The Fellowship has destroyed the Ring, and are now on vacation, but they are still pursued by the relntless fangirls. They escape, run into Sauron, and become-read to find out! And R/r when you're done!CHAPTER 3 UP!!
1. In Which The Author Rambles A Lot At The...

A Really Weird, Pointless L.O.T.R. Story  
  
Chapter One:  
  
In Which The Author Rambles A Lot At The Beginning  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned L.OT.R. I'd own the world too. I don't own the world. Figure it out yourself.  
  
WARNING! WARNING! THIS STORY HAS NO PLOT!!!  
  
The Fellowship was on vacation. They were wasting time some sandy beach somewhere, and if there aren't any sandy beaches in Middle-Earth, too bad. There's one now. And I lied. This story does have a plot. I just haven't thought of it yet. Anyway, the Fellowship was wasting time. I mean, you really couldn't blame them. The ring was destroyed, Sauron was kinda obliterated, and they felt they deserved a break. Key word: THEY felt. Apparently, Elrond did not. That's why they were on some desolate, deserted beach hundreds of miles from civilization. Well, maybe not hundreds, but still, it's close enough. ANYWAY…  
  
"I'm bored!" complained Pippin.  
  
"Well," said Merry cheerfully, "At least you aren't hungry!"  
  
"I suppose you're right…" replied Pippin thoughtfully.  
  
"Next time…we get a beach…AWAY from all… the fangirls!" yelled Legolas breathlessly, as he ran over a conveniently placed sand dune.  
  
"Did you get away?" asked Aragorn, trying to look concerned (he was dreaming about Arwen again).  
  
"Barely! They almost got me," the elf replied with a shudder.  
  
"See?" said Gimli triumphantly. "There's an advantage to being an unliked character!" Legolas said nothing.  
  
"Anybody have sun screen? I think I'm getting sunburnt." commented Frodo.  
  
"There should be some in that bag over there." replied Gandalf, waving his hand vaguely.  
  
"Okay…" said Frodo, as he walked off in the direction of the bag.  
  
"Watch out for Fangirls!" called Legolas, shuddering again. Frodo came back in a few moments holding a bottle of sunscreen. He was about to take off his shirt so he could put some on (how he got sunburnt with a shirt on is beyond ME), when he was suddenly struck by a horrible thought.  
  
"Legolas?" he asked nervously.  
  
"Yeah? What?" asked the elf, who was busy trying to tan himself.  
  
"Are there any…you know…FANGIRLS…around here?"  
  
"Uhhh…yeah…but I don't know where they are…"replied Legolas, suddenly looking apprehensive.  
  
"Hey Gandalf?" the elf called.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Can we uh…leave? This 'deserted' beach is populated by fangirls."  
  
"I don't know. Ask the author."  
  
*Suddenly the Fellowship is transported to a grassy meadow, hundreds of miles from any fangirl*  
  
"Ah." said the elf happily. "That's better." The Fellowship lapsed into temporary silence, disrupted only by Aragorn, who was talking in his daydreams.  
  
"Ahhh…Arwen…so…beautiful…ravishing…vibrant…ah…love her…so pretty…" mumbled Aragorn. The rest of the group sniggered.  
  
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Okay, this is perhaps the worst piece of crap I've ever written. Let's spice things up a bit…  
  
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*Out of nowhere, somehow in a human shape, lands………..(drumroll)…SAURON!!*  
  
"WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE????" demanded the Dark Lord, to no one in particular.  
  
"What the hell ARE you doing here?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"WELL, If I KNEW, I wouldn't have asked!" Sauron snapped back.  
  
"Well, the loss of the Ring has made him harmless, so he can't really do any harm." declared Aragorn, unaware of the fact that he had repeated himself. Sauron started crying.  
  
"Oh, it's all right, Mr. Sauron." said Sam.  
  
"I," announced Aragorn, "have an idea!"  
  
"Everybody, this is a historical moment! Aragorn has an idea!" cried Gimli. Aragorn glared.  
  
"I think that, because we have nothing better to do, and poor Sauron is heartbroken, we should become…THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE REPUTATION! Our quest will be to help all poor souls (Legolas: Like you?) who have crummy reputations and a horrid social status! We shall start with Gimli and Sauron!" 


	2. The Fellowship of Reputations! (dun dun ...

A Really Weird And Pointless L.O.T.R. Story  
  
Chapter Two  
  
The Fellowship of The Reputation  
  
Disclaimer: As I said before, If I owned L.O.T.R. I'd also have conquered the world. I haven't conquered the world. Well, actually, I own Anastasia, but I'm not sure if she's going to be in this chapter.  
  
Forestsilver: I just like him better that way.  
  
SK-GSHS- None of my stories have a plot at the beginning…well…actually, the chronicles of Miyst part two does, but that's just because I got a good idea…  
  
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!!!!!!  
  
Everyone stared at Aragorn.  
  
"This," proclaimed Gandalf, "is perhaps your DUMBEST idea yet!"  
  
"You mean my rep. is UNIMPORTANT????" demanded Sauron, who had, by the way, stopped crying over his lost power.  
  
"No," said Gandalf quickly, "I just said that it would idiocy to create a Fellowship of…it…" Sauron sniffed.  
  
"I think I'm important enough!" he said defensively.  
  
"Yes!" cried Aragorn, carried away with his idea. "We shall head to the great town of Bree to…uh…ummm…"  
  
"Get drunk?" asked Pippin hopefully.  
  
"No! To get Sauron a reputation!"  
  
"Oh…Can I get drunk, though?"  
  
"As long as you don't do anything…DRUNKEN…"  
  
"Okay!" said Pippin happily.  
  
So, with *High* hopes, the Fellowship of People's Reputations headed off to the small, fan girl-less town of Bree. Along the way, they stopped in another grassy meadow that had conveniently popped up.  
  
"I'm tired! Where's Bree?" demanded Sauron.  
  
"Not far." Gandalf assured him.  
  
"Bree really IS free of fangirls, right Gandalf?" asked Legolas nervously, looking around.  
  
"Yes, it is."  
  
"Good!" said Frodo. Sam sniggered.  
  
"See Mr.Frodo, maybe you should become un-popular like me, Gimli, and Sauron!" suggested the gardener.  
  
"I shall fix that problem!" proclaimed Aragorn.  
  
"I DON'T WANT A BUNCH OF DITZY FANGIRLS CHASING ME!!!" cried a very distressed Sauron. Aragorn looked at him carefully.  
  
"I don't think you'll have that problem," he said firmly. Sauron relaxed.  
  
"Thank the Valar," he murmured.  
  
"Hey, what was that sound?" asked Merry. They all turned to look.  
  
"It's not fangirls, is it?" asked Legolas fervently.  
  
"Humph. Of course not!" snapped an unfamiliar voice. The Fellowship turned to face the direction of the voice. Standing there was a girl. She had pale skin, and vibrant red hair, complemented by fierce, tawny gold colored eyes (I guess I decided to put Anastasia in after all, huh?).  
  
"Who are you?" demanded a suspicious Frodo.  
  
"I am Anastasia, not a rabid fangirl, but a sorceress of anoder vorld, vich I intent to go back to zoon." replied the girl in a curious accent that was a mix between German and Russian.  
  
"So you're SURE you're not a fangirl?"  
  
"Quite, I aszure you."  
  
"Do you want to join us in our quest to regain Sauron's lost dignity and repuatation?" asked Aragorn gallantly. Anastasia studied the group, her golden eyes flicking from Sam, to Frodo, to Merry, to Pippin, to Legolas, to Gimli, to Aragorn, to Gandalf, and then finally coming to rest upon Sauron, who was completely cloaked in black.  
  
"Maybe…let me tink about it."  
  
So, do you like it? Hate it? Love it? Should Anastasia stay, or should she go? Tell me! Review, review, review! Helpful criticism appreciated! 


	3. (Almost) Bree

A Really Weird and Pointless L.O.T.R. Story  
  
Chapter Three  
  
(Almost) Bree  
  
Disclaimer: Still, I own nothing. Anastasia decided to own herself. I still own Mack but he's not in this story.  
  
As the group rested and waited for Anastasia to decide whether or not she was coming, Aragorn was trying to convince Sauron that being popular was a good thing.  
  
"But if you're popular, all the ladies will swoon at your sight!" exclaimed the man. "Yes," muttered Legolas, "but then they'll attack you and try to pull down your pants, or something." "I DON'T WANT TO POPULAR, I WANT YO BE POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!" Sauron yelled. "Vill both of you schut up? You are starting to get on my nervz," said Anastasia. "Don't you agree with me?" demanded Aragorn. "I zink dat iv this iz your bezt idea, you are a very schtupid man." Aragorn sulked. Gandalf voiced an question. "Have you decided to come with us, Anastasia?" "Yez, I zuppose so. I have nothink better to do." "Okay, then. Let's go to Bree." "Goodie! Can we get drunk?" cried Merry and Pippin in unison. "Just as long as you're not near me when you do it!" replied the wizard. The Fellowship of the Rep. (FOTR, still) headed down towards Bree, with Anastsia in tow. Soon they could see the town of Bree (Hey, cool, it rhymes!). "Yay!" cried Sam. "We made it!" "Now let's go to the Prancing Pony and get drunk!" shouted Pippin happily. "NO!" said Gandalf. "I REFUSE TO SPEND THE DAY WITH FOUR DRUNKEN HOBBITS!" "Oh?" said Anastasia, smiling, "vould you rader spend the night vith them?" "NO!" repeated the wizard. "Well, if you get drunk, then maybe you won't mind so much," offered Gimli. "What if we all got drunk?" asked Frodo. "I," said Anastasia, "am not gettink drunk!" "Well, then, you don't have to, Miss," said Sam. "But I think we need a break, and if we get drunk, well, you know." "Okay, fine," said Gandalf sighing, "we'll get drunk. Now are you happy?" "No, but we will be soon!" cried the hobbits. "How am I going to fix my reputation?" asked Sauron, still sulking. "First, you need to get drunk." said Aragorn. 


	4. Of Sauron and Beer

A Really Weird and Pointless LOTR Story  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Of Sauron and Beer  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothink. Anastasia owns herself, but I think I still own the main plot of this story.  
  
Oh, and as a warning, Mack, my evil muse, co-wrote this, so any odd comments you see are his.  
  
Later that day, the nine members of the Fellowship (plus Anastasia) could be found in the Inn of the Prancing Pony. Aragorn was trying to convince Sauron that getting drunk wasn't bad, and that he wouldn't have a pounding headache in the morning, and thathe would remember what happened. Anastasia was making sarcastic remarks, Gimli was having a drinking contest with Legolas, Merry was singing with Pippin, Frodo was looking scared, and Sam was talking with Frodo and trying to convince him not to be scared. Gandalf was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"But won't I get a headache if I get drunk?" asked Sauron in a plaintive voice.  
  
"Aww, it's not as bad as they make it sound," Aragorn argued.  
  
"He iz lyink. Do not lizten to him, Sauron. You vill regret it." Anastasia put in. Aragorn shot her a look.  
  
"Besides, how vill gettink drunk improve hiz reputation? I think it von't."  
  
Aragorn pondered for a moment. "Well," he said finally, "it might improve his spirits, and then, well, who knows.I mean, a lot of things can happen when you get drunk."  
  
"You just vant an excuze to get drunk, don't you?"  
  
"No! I'm trying to help Sauron!"  
  
"I don't want to get drunk, G*d d*mn it!! I don't want to popular, either! I want to be powerful! I want the free peoples of Middle Earth to fall upon the knees and tremble at the mention of my name!" cried Sauron.  
  
"Ooh, nice speech," said Gandalf, coming back from wherever he had been. "I give an 8; it was a little violent."  
  
Sauron glared. "Someday, Mithrandir, you'll pay for this!"  
  
"Oh, come now, ve don't need to threaten each other. Let's juzt try to get alonk, hmm? Let's all be friendz," said Anastasia soothingly, as she threw her arm around a pouting Sauron. Sauron backed away nervously. Aragorn snapped his fingers.  
  
"I've got it!" he exulted.  
  
"What?" asked Sauron irritably.  
  
"You," said Aragorn happily, "need a girlfriend."  
  
"What happened to beer and getting drunk? A drunk former Dark Lord would be interesting."mused Gandalf.  
  
"Oh, he never really needed to get drunk. He just needed to drink. I thought it might make him easier to get along with." Aragorn explained.  
  
"So then what are we doing here?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Well, I don't know about YOU, but I want to get drunk. I haven't had the chance to do that since.well, since the night before Frodo came to Bree with the Ring." Aragorn said.  
  
"Fine. Go get drunk. Just don't do anything that would make me embarrassed to know you while you're at it." Gandalf said dismissively.  
  
"Yay!" cried Aragorn, and scampered off to get drunk with Legolas and Gimli. Yes, full-grown men can scamper.  
  
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Frodo was looking around nervously. There were so many big people here. And they were all.so.drunk.even Aragorn-whom he had thought was somewhat responsible, was over with Legolas and Gimli, downing pint after pint of beer. Or so it seemed to Frodo. As for Merry and Pippin, they were already drunk; that was obvious by the way they were singing uproariously. He turned to Sam, who, thankfully, had decided to stay mostly sober for Frodo's benefeit. Isn't that so sweet?  
  
"I didn't know elves drank," he remarked to his companion.  
  
"Well, neither did I Mr. Frodo, and I 'espect Gandalf didn't either because otherwise I don't think he would've brought us here. Think: An Elf, a Man, a Dwarf, and two Hobbits, all stone drunk. Not to mention a Dark Lord whose sobreity is fast disappearing, if you take my meaning, Mr. Frodo."  
  
Frodo glanced over to Sauron, who had given into Aragorn's pressure (oh no! They corrupted Sauron!) and was swigging beer and singing with Pippin and Merry. Gandalf had run off to hide again. Frankly, I don't blame him. I'd hate to watch over THAT group. "I wonder if he'll ever get his reputation back," mused Frodo.  
  
"I think it would help if he was sober," Sam replied. And then winced, as the singing trio struck a high, off-key note. "An' perhaps if'n he stopped singing. They sound terrible over there." (I always say, "If you can't sing, then don't")  
  
"Yeah," said Frodo, nodding his head in agreement. "That would help a lot."  
  
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Merry, Pippin, Legolas, and Gimli were long gone in drink, and Sauron was catching up with them. All five had begun to sing now, and their off-key singing rung the rafters.  
  
"Hey! Don't write yourself off yet! It's only in your head you feel left out, or looked down on. Just try your best, try every thing you can, and don't worry what they tell themselves, when you're away! It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride, everything, everything will be just fine! Everything, everything will be all right! Hey! You know they're all the same! You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in! Live right now, just be yourself, it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else! It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride, everything, everything will be just fine! Everything, everything will be all right! Hey! Don't write yourself off yet! It's only in your head you feel left out, or looked down on. Do your best, do everything you can, don't you worry what their bitter hearts are going to say. It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride, everything, everything will be just fine! Everything, everything will be all right!" They sang.  
  
"Argh! Vill you ceaze your schtupit noise? You are horribly ov-key!" Anastasia snapped irritably.  
  
They paused momentairily. "Are we drunk?" asked Sauron.  
  
"I sure hope so!" replied Gimli, grinning.  
  
"Yes," said Legolas, "if we are not, then we have wastes a great deal of beer!"  
  
"Let's sing another song!" cried Pippin happily.  
  
"Let's not, " muttered Anastasia darkly.  
  
"Yes!" exclaimed Merry, ignoring her. "We can sing.uh.guys, what should we sing?"  
  
They all paused for a moment. Sauron stopped looking admiringly at Anastasia. Aragorn started thinking about Arwen. Then Legolas burst into song.  
  
(I'm not sure the lyrics are right for this song. If I'm wrong, correct me)  
  
"I don't want you to give it all up, and leave your own life collecting dust. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, you never us a chance to be!" The others soon jumped in with him.  
  
"And I don't need you, to be by my side, tell me that everything's all right, just wanted you, to tell me the truth, you know I'd do that for you! So why are you running away? I was ready to show you that I was willing to give and sacrafice. And I was the one who was lifting you up, when you thought your life had had enough. When I get close, you turn away! There's nothing-"  
  
"Vill you be quiet? You are drivink me insane! SHUT UP, okay? How hard iz it? Juzt CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!!!" Anastasia yelled angrily. Silence descended over the room. Nobody was particulary interested in provoking the ire of an evil sorceress.  
  
"Thank you!" she said.  
  
Okay, that's it for chapter four. I know it's not as funny as the others, but I need to build up my plot. Please review and tell me what you think. Constructive criticism, sarcastic remarks, and compliments/suggestions welcome! 


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